National Days – Week of November 27th

Cyber Monday – 11/27

It is Cyber Monday. It’s the time of year when you can get a great deal today on something you didn’t want yesterday.

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In honor of Cyber Monday, Amazon has a Segway on sale for $400 off its regular price. So good news, it’s never been cheaper to look like an idiot.

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Yesterday was Cyber Monday, where Americans spent billions of dollars while shopping online. And tomorrow we’ll be celebrating What Did I Buy Wednesday?

National Giving Day – 11/28

What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation check to Children in Need.

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Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.

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A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

National Mississippi Day – 11/30

Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?

A: I don’t know, Alaska.

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Q: What has 4 eyes and cannot see?

A: Mississippi.

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Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Dumb Mississippi Laws:

• Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
• Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
• Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. -Sec. 97-35-37
• Columbus – The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
• Oxford – It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
• One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.
• Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.
• Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
• Tylertown – It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

National Pie Day – 12/1

Q: What is a math teacher’s favorite dessert?
A: Pi.

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Q: If it took six kids one hour to eat all the apple pies in the bakery, how many hours would it take three kids?
A: None because the six kids ate them all already.

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Q: What’s the best thing to put into an apple pie?
A: Your teeth.

National Days – Week of November 20th

Tie One On Day – November 22nd

Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?

A: A beer in each hand!

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Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: “Olive or twist?”

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Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?

A: Tequila Mockingbird

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?

A: The monkey bars!

Black Friday – November 24th

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

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Q: Where does Princess Leia go shopping?

A: At the Darth Maul, of course.

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Q: Why don’t kittens like going to the mall?

A: They prefer a cat-alog.

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I always get really frustrated trying to put the new clothes I bought in my wardrobe. Think I could do with some Hanger Management.

National Cookie/Cake Day – November 26th

Q: Why did the students eat their homework?

A: Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?

A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

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Q: What cookie makes you rich?

A: A fortune cookie!

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Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

National Days – Week of November 7th

National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day – November 7th

Q: What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble?

A: That hit the spot

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Q: What do you call a dog in the winter?

A: A chili dog

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Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A: A bloodhound!

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National Cappuccino Day – November 8th

Procaffeinating: When you use coffee as an excuse for being late – “I should have been studying for the exam, but I was procaffeinating.”

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I am very shy in public. I can, however, espresso myself quite adequate if I have a cup of cappuccino.

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When I got to the office, the kitchen was filled with familiar aromas. I had a strong feeling of “Deja Brew”

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National Louisiana Day – November 9th

 

A few clues to being a true Louisianan:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. “Vacation” means going to the family reunion.

3. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

4. You measure distance in minutes.

5. You know several people who have hit a deer.

6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

8. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

9. You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”

10. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.

12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,no matter what time of the year.

13. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal.

15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave bothunlocked.

16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-Osalad with marshmallows.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car.

18. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” are.

19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

21. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.

24. You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”

25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, andChristmas.

26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northernLouisiana as soon as they open their mouth.

27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumboweather.

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U.S. Marine Corps Birthday – November 10th

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

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A group of Marines were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, one prankster held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”

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The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

 

 

National Days – Week of October 30, 2017

National Candy Corn Day – October 30th

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason — all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

– Lewis Black

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Halloween – October 31st

Q: In what room would you never find a ghost?

A: The Living Room

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Q: Where do baby ghosts stay during the day?

A: At the dayscare center

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Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?

A: Casketball

National Authors Day – November 1st

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

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A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.

“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”

“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

National Ohio Day – November 2nd

You Know You’re from Ohio When…

• You’ve never met any celebrities.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
• “Vacation” means driving through Hocking Hills or going to King’s Island.
• You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
• You measure distance in minutes.
• Down south to you means Kentucky.
• You know several people who have hit a deer.
• Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
• Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
• You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
• You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
• You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”
• You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
• Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
• You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
• You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
• You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:”Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with.”
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
• You carry jumper cables in your car.
• You know what “cow tipping” or “Possum Kicking” is.
• You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
• You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
• You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
• You think that deer season is a national holiday.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
• You find -20 degrees F “a little chilly”.
• You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
• You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
• You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
• You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
• You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
• You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends.
• Isn’t it sad? You just said “yup” and “uh-huh” or aint that the truth” to most of these!!!

National Housewives Day – November 3rd

Man to his wife while ‘at it’: “Please say dirty things to me!”

Wife: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”

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My husband told me he needs more space. I said no problem and locked him out of
the house.

A man and his wife have been married for quite a few years and the wife asked him recently to get some pills that would make sure he’d be ‘up’ to some action in the bedroom again.

He brought home diet pills. Funeral services are next week.

National Chicken Day – November 4th

Q: What do chickens grow on?

A: Eggplants!

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Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?

A: She was afraid someone would Caesar!

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Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?

A: Fry-day!

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Q: What do you call a bird that’s afraid to fly?

A: Chicken.

National Redhead Day – November 5th

Q: What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

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Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.

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Q: How do you know a redhead likes you?
A: She has your girlfriend thrown in jail and camps out in your yard.

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Q: Do you know why Blondes have more fun?
A: Because there is not enough Red Heads around.

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If you love a Redhead, set her free … If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.

National Days – Week of October 23rd

National TV Talk Show Host Day – October 23rd

A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted, “I hate everyone in the White House!” But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, “Except for me. I still like me a lot.”

– Jimmy Fallon

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There was an odd moment today when Trump held a ceremony to sign an executive order but he forgot the one important part of the signing ceremony, which is the part where you sign. He wandered off early, and Mike Pence had to pull him back [shows clip]: “Mr. President, you need to sign it.” Donald Trump seems to be the only person on the planet who is able to forget that Donald Trump is the president.

– James Corden

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Early this morning at 1:42 a.m., an asteroid passed by the Earth, missed us by 26,000 miles. Which in space terms is close. In fact, the asteroid was planning to hit us, then it saw what’s going on down here and said, “You know what? I’m going to keep going that way, I want no part of that.”

– Jimmy Kimmel

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For the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has been the president of busy town. This morning, he signed an executive order to get rid of some key provisions of Obamacare. For instance, the care part.

– Stephen Colbert

National Food Day – October 24th

Q: What did the baby corn say to its mom?
A: Where’s my pop corn?

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Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.

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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.

National Greasy Food Day – October 25th

Q: What do you get if you play McDonald’s Monopoly 30 Days Straight?

A: A Heart Attack!!

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Q: Why don’t Americans eat snails?

A: Because they like “Fast Food”.

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Q: Why is it called “Fast Food”?

A: It’s called “fast” food because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.

National Cat Day – October 29th

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

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Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?

A: A terrified postman!

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Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?

A: a meowntain

National Days – Week of October 16th

National Department Store Day – 10/16/2017

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

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A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

“You may visit this store ONLY! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited….

National Mulligan (Do-Over) Day – 10/17/2017

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

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Q: SO why does the golfer carry two shirts?

A: In case he gets a hole in one.

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Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

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Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

National No-Beard Day – 10/18/2017

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber.

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On being complemented for a beard someone might say: “Thank you, I was a bit unsure at first but it has definitely grown on me.”

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National Get to Know Your Customers Day – 10/19/2017

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system: “If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.”

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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.” I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, “One”. The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65 “. The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.'”

National Reptile Awareness Day – 10/20/2017

Q: Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn’t change colour?

A: He had a reptile dysfunction.

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Q: What’s an iguanas favorite movie?

A: The Lizard of Oz.

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National Mother-in-Law Day – 10/21/2017

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.  Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.  A trout fisherman ran up.  The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim.  Please save her.  I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”  The fisherman dove into the water.  In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.  Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?”  The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.  But this is my Mother-in-Law.”  The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck.  How much do I owe you?”

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A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?”  The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong.  Why would you want this done?”  The man replies, “My MIL is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!”

National Days – Week of October 9th

National Moldy Cheese Day – October 9th

Q: Which hotel to mice stay in?

A: The Stilton.

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Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

A: Nacho cheese.

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Q: What do you call cheese from the Middle East?

A: Cheeses of Nazareth

National Cake Decorating Day – October 10th

Q: Why did the students eat their homework?

A: Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?

A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

National Take Your Parents to Lunch Day – October 11th

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

National Farmers Day – October 12th

Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

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Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A: Because he was out standing in his field!

National No Bra Day – October 13th

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?

A: “You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.”

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A push-up bra is like a bag of chips. When you open it, it’s half empty.

National Be Bald and Be Free Day – October 14th

Q: What’s the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and a bald man?

A: A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and a bald man has no hair apparent.

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Little Billy is eating breakfast one morning and gets to thinking about things.

“Mommy, mommy, why does daddy have so few hairs on his head?” he asks his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replies his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick answer to Little Billy’s question.

Or she is until Billy thinks for a second and asks, “So why do you have so much hair?”

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Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A: “Thanks, I’ll never part with it!”

National Grouch Day – October 15th

National Days – Week of 10/2/17

National Custodial Day – October 2nd

A janitor was staying with a friend and asked if there was anything he could do to help him.

His friend said “I’d really appreciate if you could get me a carton of milk when you’re out. If they have eggs, get six.”

Half an hour later, the janitor returned with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?,” asked the friend.

“They had eggs,” replied the janitor.

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There is a guy who wants to be a janitor at a church. After they hired him the father said: “There are 3 things you cannot do, you can’t smoke, you can’t drink, and you can’t swear because they all set bad examples for the kids and we don’t want you destroying the house of God.” The janitor agrees.

The next day after work the father was driving home in his car and saw the janitor walking down the street. The janitor doesn’t see him. Then all the sudden the janitor starts feeling himself all over and then says as the father overhears him: “Ah Crap! Must’ve left my damn cigarettes at the bar!”

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On the first day of a semester, Professor Artman, clad in his usual flannel shirt, work pants, and boots, was cleaning the blackboard. Two freshmen entered his classroom and took seats. After he finished and without saying a word, Artman proceeded to write out a series of equations for his upcoming class.

One student looked at the other and said, “Wow, this is a tough school! Look, even the janitor knows calculus.”

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National Techies Day – October 3rd

10 REASONS YOU KNOW YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER

1. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.2. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
4. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
5. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
8. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone? iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP

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What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram.

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National Plus-Size Appreciation Day – October 6th

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.

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Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.

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You’re fat. It’s not because it runs in the family, you’re fat because nobody runs in your family.

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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

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National Clergy Appreciation Day – October 8th

As a pastor is wrapping up his service, he tells his congregation “Next week I will deliver a sermon on the evils of lying. To prepare for it, I would like you all to read Mark chapter 17.” The next week in service he asks how many parishioners read the 17th chapter of Mark. Every hand in the congregation goes up. “Mark has only 16 chapters,” the pastor continues with a grin. “I will now proceed with the sermon on lying.”

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As AN ordained minister working in a denominational office, I am called upon to be a guest speaker across Canada. I must frequently remind myself to project my voice since not all public address systems compensate for an inadequate delivery. This was driven home one Sunday morning by an elderly woman with a hearing aid who shook my hand and said pointedly: “That was probably a very good sermon.”

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WE WERE new in town and met our daughter’s teachers for the first time at the school’s open house. The science teacher, with a twinkle in her eye, asked me, “Are you a minister?” “Yes,” I replied. “Why do you ask?” “It was just a feeling I had after reading one of your daughter’s homework assignments,” she said, handing me the corrected paper. Next to the item “Define the Great Divide,” my daughter had written: “When Moses parted the Red Sea.

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THE preacher and his friend had teed off. The friend missed a short putt for his birdie and swore under his breath. At the third hole, he missed another easy putt. “Damn! Missed again,” he muttered. On the seventh hole, he did it again. “Damn! Another miss!” he groaned. The preacher kept giving his friend reproachful glances but said nothing.  They started out on the back nine. On the tenth hole, the ball just missed the cup. “Damn! Missed again!”   “Look!” cried the preacher. “I’m tired of your swearing. If you do it again, I’m going to call on the Lord to strike you.”  Yeah, yeah, thought the friend as he teed off on the eleventh. The rest of his putts were accurate until the last hole, where a two-meter putt rolled up to the lip of the cup and stopped right there. “Damn, damn, damn! Missed again!”  A huge black cloud formed overhead and rolled around for a few seconds. Then a lightning bolt whizzed down from the sky and zapped the preacher. The friend gaped in amazement as the clouds opened up and disappeared. Then a sepulchral voice came from nowhere: “Damn! Missed again!”

National Days – Week of September 25th, 2017

National Comic Book Day – September 25th

Q: What is a superhero’s favorite part of the joke?

A: The “punch” line!

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Q: What is Spider-mans favorite brand of Rice?

A: Uncle Bens

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Q: What does a superhero put in his beverages?

A: Just ice.

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Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building.

The first one says to the other two, “You know, it’s a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!”

The second drunk says, “You’re crazy!”

The first drunk says, “I’m serious! Watch!” The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, “Let me try!” So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you’re drunk!”

National Drink Beer Day – September 28th

Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?

A: A Budweiser in each hand!

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Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?

A: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

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Q: Why are Men like coolers?

A: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere!

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Boy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”

Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?”

Boy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

National Drink Coffee Day – September 29th

Q: Why are men are like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

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Q: What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

A: De-calf-inated!

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Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage?

A: Because it’s GROUNDS for divorce!

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Q: What do you call sad coffee?”

A: Depresso.

National Days – Week of September 18, 2017

National Cheeseburger Day – September 18th

Q: What prize do you get if you eat at McDonald’s for 30 Days Straight?

A: A Heart Attack!!

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Q: Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?

A: Only if they have a very frank relationship!

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Q: How do you make a cheeseburger sad?

A: Make it with blue cheese!

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Q: Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

A: No, you should eat your fingers separately!

Talk like a Pirate Day – September 19th

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

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Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

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Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

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Q: What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
A: He got marooned.

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Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
A: He bought it on sail.

National Centenarian Day – September 22nd

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”