Friday Funny – National Day Categories – July 14th

July 14th has national days designated for the following:

July 14th

National Tape Measure Day

mockingbird2000 mockingbirds:   2 kilomockingbirds
igloo-3Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

Wontons_2-680x4862000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

banana peelTime between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

semicolon_oval_decalHalf of a large intestine:   1 semicolon

National Nude Day

beergirlsqa5HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked … with beer.

leaves

A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with her privates covered only with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”

The husband replies: “Autumn.”

elnakedQ: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that thing?

pregnant

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

adam

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Briton “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

Friday Funny – National Days

 

July 7th is:

  • National Father Daughter  Take a Walk Day
  • National Strawberry Sundae Day
  • National Macaroni Day

Here are some jokes to make the day special:

dad daughterDad Jokes:

I love to torture my 9 year-old daughter with terrible dad jokes. Here is a sample:

  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  • Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind it’s tearable.
  • Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  • How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
  • Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

ice creamIce Cream Jokes:

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Felix.
Felix who?
Felix my ice cream I’ll be very annoyed!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tobias.
Tobias who?
Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.

Q:What happens after you eat an entire gallon of “All Natural” ice cream?

A: You get Breyer’s remorse!

Q: Where is the best place to get an ice cream?

A: In sundae school

Q: What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?

A: What’s the scoop

funny-picture-overdressed-pastaMacaroni/Pasta Jokes:

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

A: He pasta way.

Q: What do Italians eat on Halloween?

A: Fetuccini A-fraid-o

Q: What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?

A: Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An impasta.

Q: Where did the spaghetti go to dance?

A: The meat ball!

Top Ten Independence Day Kid Jokes

Here are some jokes going into the U.S. Independence Day weekend from kids around the country courtesy of https://www.surfnetkids.com


10-pic10) What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic turtle!

From Jessica, age 7, Abilene, TX

9-pic

9) What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

From Eloise, age 9, Charlottesville, VA

8-pic

8) Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

From Betty, age 9, CT

7-pic

7) How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

From Tom P., age 8, KY

6-pic6) What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

From Rachel, age 8, Long Beach, CA

TETRRF-00024113-0015) What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

From Marie K., age 12, Dallas, TX


4-pic4) Teacher: “Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
Student: “On the bottom!”

From Christy, age 14, Denver, CO

3-pic3) Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

From Tom P., age 8, KY

Independence Day parade2) What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

From Scott, age 11, Colorado

1-pic1) Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.

From Big Al, a grownup, Frankfort, KY.

Jokes about Amazon buying Whole Foods

This week, Amazon, in a bid to compete with retail giant Walmart, proposed purchasing grocery chain, Whole Foods, for $13.1 billion. That’s when the jokes started.

alexaJeff Bezos: “Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods.”

Alexa: “Sure, Jeff. Buying Whole Foods now.”

Jeff Bezos: “WHA- ahh go ahead.”


paycheckAnd we all know how much it costs to shop at Whole Foods:

Amazon buys Whole Foods for 13.7 billion, roughly equivalent to 11 shopping bags of their organic berries.

Who among us can leave a Whole Foods without spending $13.7 billion?

After seeing what Amazon is paying for Whole Foods, it’s nice to know I wasn’t the only one overcharged.

If I had a nickel for all the “Whole Foods is expensive” jokes I’ve seen today I could probably buy some peanut butter at Whole Foods.


amazondroneFuture Prediction:

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Can we expect avocado toast delivery via drone?

 

Friday Funnies

guardians of the g

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy

trap

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap

soft drink

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

toucan-o

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

ebay

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Friday Funnies – Jokes by noted comedians

chicken-or-eggI was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. And I thought: “This could be interesting.”  – Micky Flanagan

cold air balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. But it never really took off. – Milton Jones

narnia

My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business! – Will Ferrell

old lady walking

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

turndown-service-hotel

Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said: “I’ve come to turn down your bed.” To which I said: “Well, many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?” – Michael McIntyre

The best ‘Covfefe’ jokes from around the web

Regardless of your politics, U.S. President, Donald Trump, entertains the masses with his penchant for jumping onto Twitter late at night to profess his latest views. The media as well as his supporters and detractors. Well this past Wednesday, in the middle of the night, Mr. Trump posted the following on Twitter:

covfefe1

He uncharacteristically saw some humor in his own mistake and challenged everyone to have fun with his typo. The Internet did not disappoint. Here are some of the funniest:

From the movie, Arrival

covfefe2

From the Star Wars contingent

On the bizarre side

covfefe5

The Oscar Version

covfefe6

Walken weighs in

covfefe7

Airplane!

covfefe8

New user names emerged quickly

covfefe9

And finally, the newest California vanity plate

covfefe10