National Days – Week of September 18, 2017

cheeseburgerNational Cheeseburger Day – September 18th

Q: What prize do you get if you eat at McDonald’s for 30 Days Straight?

A: A Heart Attack!!


Q: Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?

A: Only if they have a very frank relationship!


Q: How do you make a cheeseburger sad?

A: Make it with blue cheese!


Q: Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

A: No, you should eat your fingers separately!

pirate

Talk like a Pirate Day – September 19th

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.


Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!


Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!


Q: What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
A: He got marooned.


Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
A: He bought it on sail.

seniorNational Centenarian Day – September 22nd

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”


“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”


While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”


Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

National Days – Week of September 11, 2017

 

National Boss/Employee Day – September 11

1-913Q: How is Christmas like your job?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.


Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

National Video Game Day – September 12

2-913

Q: What does Princess Peach sit on at a bar?
A: A toad stool 



Q: How does Yoshi feel when he gets hurt?
A: Dino-sore 


Q: What’s a toilet’s favorite game?
A: Call of Doodie 

National Cream-Filled Doughnut Day – September 14

3-913I was on a diet, but I doughnut care anymore.


Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? To get a filling.


Warning! Doughnuts will make your clothes shrink.

Wife Appreciation Day – September 17

4-913A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

National Days – Week of September 4th, 2017

labor_day_chinaLabor Day – September 4th

My wife came home from work yesterday and was raging about her boss. She said to me, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”.

I asked her, “Why, what did he say to you?”

She said, “You’re fired.”


If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end… it’s Labor Day Weekend


Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.


My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.

He said to me, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”

I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”

pizzaCheese Pizza Day – September 5th

Want to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy.


Q: How do you fix a broken pizza?

A: With tomato paste.


Q: What does an aardvark like on its pizza?

A: Ant-chovies.


Q: How do you get the college grad off your front porch?

A: Pay for the pizza

beerBeer Lover Day – September 7th

Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?

A: A Budweiser in each hand!


Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.

The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,”I wish the ocean was a sea of beer.” And it happened.

A litle while later the other one shouted,”Great, now we have to pee in the boat!”


There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask.

“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, then neither will I.”


An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: “I will give you three wishes.”

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says: “I want two more of these.”

National Days – Week of August 28, 2017

National Bow Tie Day – August 28

National Toasted Marshmallow Day – August 30

NICK: What a nightmare — I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow.
RICK: What’s so bad about that?
NICK: When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

National Matchmaker Day – August 31

Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another customer who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.

One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy’s table and introduced the two. Then she watched, in amazement, as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, “Hellooooh, Sandy.”

“You guys know each other?” Barbie asked.

“We sure do,” said Mike. “She’s my sister.”


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.”


National Days – Week of August 21, 2017

hairstyleNational Brazilian Blow Out Day – August 21st

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, “How’d you get such lovely blonde hair”

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl

answered, “It’s natural.”

The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, “How’d you get such
pretty brown hair?”

Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, “It’s natural.”

Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, “How’d you get
such cool
green hair?”

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, “It’s natural.”


A woman was cutting her husband’s

thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.

She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious

qualities. “It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.

“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.


What should you buy if your
hair
falls out ?
A good vacuum cleaner !


seniorNational Senior Citizens Day – August 21st

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

The little boy was amazed, and sat silently for a minute. Finally he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”


An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”


Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.

One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.

When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.

But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.

In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

tooth fariyNational Tooth Fairy day – August 22nd

“Are you the tooth fairy?” my seven year old asked, after yet another tooth fell out. Very impressed that she picked up on this, I assured her that I am in fact the tooth fairy. My bubble was burst a few minutes later, when after thinking for a few seconds she asked, “how do you get into the other kids houses?”


When his two front teeth fell out within days of each other, my six-year-old son, Joey, was delighted by a quick and profitable succession of visits from the tooth fairy. However, the novelty of having a wide gap in his smile quickly paled. Not long after, while my husband was tucking him into bed, he found two coins under Joey’s pillow. When asked what the coins were for, Joey replied firmly, “I want my teeth back.”


I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Spotting the money in my hand, she cried out, “I caught you!” I froze, trying to think of an explanation for why I, rather than the tooth fairy, was depositing a gift under her pillow. I was let off the hook when my daughter interjected, “You put that money back! The tooth fairy left it for me!”

National Days – Week of August 14, 2017

relaxNational Relaxation Day – August 15th:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up…


I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.” “What are you doing?” Asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m releaving myself.” Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”


Nothing reminds a woman more of the things that her husband has to do around the house than the sight of him resting.

radioNational Radio day – August 20th:

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.


Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.


If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

National Days – Week of August 7th, 2017

Image result for dollar funnyNational Dollar Day (August 8th)

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”


Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.

• My pet goldfish died. 
    —Self-employed builder

• Our business doesn’t really do anything.     —Financial services firm

• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns.     —Accountant


I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.

“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

Image result for cooking with poohNational Book Lovers Day (August 9th)

My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn’t find the words to thank him.

 


Q: What do you do if pet starts eating your library book?
A: Take the words right out of their mouth.


Q: What did one book say to the other one?
A: I just wanted to see if we are on the same page.

Image result for lazy funny

National Lazy Day (August 10th)

They say that hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan


Give a lazy person a fish and he will eat it. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and sleep all day.


I don’t mind coming to work, but that 8 hours of waiting to go home really stinks.

Image result for presidential seal

National Presidential Joke Day (August 11th – Some could argue this is every day in the U.S.)

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”

– Jimmy Carter

“My heroism was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.

– John F. Kennedy

“Politics is supposed to be the world’s second-oldest profession…and I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”

– Ronald Reagan