Friday Funny – Animal Jokes

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

Valentine’s Day Funnies

Valentine’s Day Funnies
vd1Photo Source: http://www.appsforpcplanet.com/

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

vd2Photo Source: http://theromantic.com

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”

Boy: “Really?”

Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

vd3Photo Credit: http://www.valentinesdaysurprises.com

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

vd4Photo Source: https://www.valentinesdaywishes.org/

Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”

vd5Photo Source: https://www.valentinesdaywishes.org/

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

vd6Photo Source: http://www.npr.org

As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”

Thursday Science Jokes

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, “Help! Help!” The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, “Hey, it’s me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Friday Funny – Star Wars Jokes

toyoda

What kind of car does a Jedi drive?

A Toy-YODA!

chewbaccaWhat do you call Chewbacca with bits of chocolate in his hair?

A chocolate chip wookie.

yodaWhy did Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, and 3 come after Episodes 4, 5, and 6?

In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

Friday Funny – Writer/Writing Jokes

After a long week of writing, I thought it would be fun to post some humor related to writing.

cashhttp://www.giphy.com

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.

“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”

“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

hellhttp://www.giphy.com

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

housefirehttp://www.giphy.com

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is—”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Friday Funny

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factually, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

Friday Funny – Technology

Some humor to launch into the weekend

geekhttp://www.giphy.com
  • I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.
  • I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.
  • I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.
  • Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.
  • No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.
  • Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
  • Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!
emailhttp://www.giphy.com
  • MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
  • MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
  • Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
  • AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
  • 1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com
librarianhttp://www.giphy.com

Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

  • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
  • “Who built the English Channel?”
  • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
  • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
  • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”