Friday Funny – Technology

A seach engine optimization (SEO) expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

dr-seussAn oldie but goodie:

DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS…

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

email

Translating Phrases Found in Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

siri

Fun with Siri

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

Bonus: Try asking Siri what zero divided by zero is. You’ll enjoy the result.

Friday Funny – Technology

Failure is not an option. It’s included with your Microsoft product.

apple
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8
google earth
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

 

Friday Funny – Technology

Before the computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut–you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Mark Zuckerberg were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was “not” changing his mind.

Trump went in and told his staff, “I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there “is” a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”

Vladimir Putin went back and told his staff, “I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there “is” a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”

Mark Zuckerberg went back and told his staff, “I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don’t have to fix the bugs in Facebook.

Don’t you wish when life is bad
and things just don’t compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she’s just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You’d like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Friday Funny – Technology

toilet

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

windows

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

dumb

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

marvel guardians of the galaxy guardians of the galaxy 2 guardians of the galaxy vol 2

Q: What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

running run forrest gump run forrest

Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forrest1

Pun-gent Friday

siliconA funny criminal is a silicon.

math

I know a mathematician who could not afford to buy lunch. He could binomial.

ski jumpA novice skier often jumps to contusions.

mensa

My wife is a Mensa member and a seamstress – she’s a clever sew and sew.

crows

There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They are called velcrows.

Friday Funny – Technology

bombhttp://www.giphy.com

Q: What is the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer?
A: Mechanical engineers design weapons and civil engineers design targets.

Q: What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

microchipsPhoto credit: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-microchip-art.htm

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips

adelePhoto credit: http://pitchfork.com/news/61756-adele-returns-with-hello-video/

Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell.

Friday Funny – Animal Jokes

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”