National Candy Corn Day – October 30th
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason — all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
– Lewis Black
Halloween – October 31st
Q: In what room would you never find a ghost?
A: The Living Room
Q: Where do baby ghosts stay during the day?
A: At the dayscare center
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
National Authors Day – November 1st
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
National Ohio Day – November 2nd
You Know You’re from Ohio When…
- You’ve never met any celebrities.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
- “Vacation” means driving through Hocking Hills or going to King’s Island.
- You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- Down south to you means Kentucky.
- You know several people who have hit a deer.
- Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
- Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
- You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
- You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
- You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”
- You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
- Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
- You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
- You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
- You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:”Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with.”
- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
- You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
- You carry jumper cables in your car.
- You know what “cow tipping” or “Possum Kicking” is.
- You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
- You think that deer season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -20 degrees F “a little chilly”.
- You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
- You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
- You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
- You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
- You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends.
- Isn’t it sad? You just said “yup” and “uh-huh” or aint that the truth” to most of these!!!
National Housewives Day – November 3rd
Man to his wife while ‘at it’: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Wife: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”
My husband told me he needs more space. I said no problem and locked him out of
A man and his wife have been married for quite a few years and the wife asked him recently to get some pills that would make sure he’d be ‘up’ to some action in the bedroom again.
He brought home diet pills. Funeral services are next week.
National Chicken Day – November 4th
Q: What do chickens grow on?
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would Caesar!
Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Q: What do you call a bird that’s afraid to fly?
National Redhead Day – November 5th
Q: What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: How do you know a redhead likes you?
A: She has your girlfriend thrown in jail and camps out in your yard.
Q: Do you know why Blondes have more fun?
A: Because there is not enough Red Heads around.
If you love a Redhead, set her free … If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.