National TV Talk Show Host Day – October 23rd
A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted, “I hate everyone in the White House!” But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, “Except for me. I still like me a lot.”
– Jimmy Fallon
There was an odd moment today when Trump held a ceremony to sign an executive order but he forgot the one important part of the signing ceremony, which is the part where you sign. He wandered off early, and Mike Pence had to pull him back [shows clip]: “Mr. President, you need to sign it.” Donald Trump seems to be the only person on the planet who is able to forget that Donald Trump is the president.
– James Corden
Early this morning at 1:42 a.m., an asteroid passed by the Earth, missed us by 26,000 miles. Which in space terms is close. In fact, the asteroid was planning to hit us, then it saw what’s going on down here and said, “You know what? I’m going to keep going that way, I want no part of that.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
For the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has been the president of busy town. This morning, he signed an executive order to get rid of some key provisions of Obamacare. For instance, the care part.
– Stephen Colbert
National Food Day – October 24th
Q: What did the baby corn say to its mom?
A: Where’s my pop corn?
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.
National Greasy Food Day – October 25th
Q: What do you get if you play McDonald’s Monopoly 30 Days Straight?
A: A Heart Attack!!
Q: Why don’t Americans eat snails?
A: Because they like “Fast Food”.
Q: Why is it called “Fast Food”?
A: It’s called “fast” food because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.
National Cat Day – October 29th
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: a meowntain