National Department Store Day – 10/16/2017
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited….
National Mulligan (Do-Over) Day – 10/17/2017
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
Q: SO why does the golfer carry two shirts?
A: In case he gets a hole in one.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
National No-Beard Day – 10/18/2017
Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber.
On being complemented for a beard someone might say: “Thank you, I was a bit unsure at first but it has definitely grown on me.”
National Get to Know Your Customers Day – 10/19/2017
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system: “If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.”
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.” I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, “One”. The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65 “. The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.'”
National Reptile Awareness Day – 10/20/2017
Q: Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn’t change colour?
A: He had a reptile dysfunction.
Q: What’s an iguanas favorite movie?
A: The Lizard of Oz.
National Mother-in-Law Day – 10/21/2017
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my Mother-in-Law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?” The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?” The man replies, “My MIL is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!”