National Dollar Day (August 8th)
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died. —Self-employed builder
• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm
• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.
“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”
National Book Lovers Day (August 9th)
My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn’t find the words to thank him.
Q: What do you do if pet starts eating your library book?
A: Take the words right out of their mouth.
Q: What did one book say to the other one?
A: I just wanted to see if we are on the same page.
National Lazy Day (August 10th)
They say that hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan
Give a lazy person a fish and he will eat it. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and sleep all day.
I don’t mind coming to work, but that 8 hours of waiting to go home really stinks.
National Presidential Joke Day (August 11th – Some could argue this is every day in the U.S.)
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
– Jimmy Carter
“My heroism was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.
– John F. Kennedy
“Politics is supposed to be the world’s second-oldest profession…and I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”
– Ronald Reagan