In the United States, we feel compelled to assign days to all manner of things. Here are some of the best from the week of July 21st.
July 21st – National Junk Food Day
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
Pi a’la mode.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the Rocky Road.
What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A bag of potato chips in each hand!
If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have?
Diabetes….. Jake has diabetes…
What’s the best part of Valentines Day?
The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
July 23rd – National Parents Day
Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o clock.” She said, “But Father, I m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.” When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF IT.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.”